Kirito (SAO Abridged Parody)

"Ya know something? I really... hate... people. They're selfish, ignorant, loud, obnoxious pricks with basically no redeeming qualities whatsoever! I mean really, look at all they've achieved: Genocide! Global warming! Reality TV! It's just a never ending parade of failures and fuck-ups! They are, without question, a complete write-off of a species, AND HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME CARE ABOUT THEM!!!"

- Kirito losing his shit.

Kirito is the main protagonist of Sword Art Online. In the original series, he is kindhearted, adventurous, and always willing to help his fellow gamer. However, in the abridged series provided by Something Witty Entertainment, Kirito is a selfish, vain, and sadistic character who constantly insults anyone around him any chance he gets and only does anything if it is to benefit himself, with the occasional habit of going murderously insane, as seen in the picture. However, over time he grows a conscious and begins to act more hero-like.

Episode 1
As he enters the world of Sword Art Online, Kirito is immediately angered by the hordes of ads before him. He meets with another player named Klein who has trouble defeating a pig creature and defeats it for him. After which he becomes friends with the player, while also making up some bullsh*t story on the "mythic pebble of pig-smiting".

But when they attempt to log out, they realize that the log-out command has disappeared, to which they find themselves transported to the town plaza, where they and all the other players are greeted by the head programmer, Kayaba Akihiko, who informs them all that not only is there no longer a way to log out of the game, but also, if they die in the game, or if the NerveGear is removed, they will die for real, using references like Tron or Scanners as examples. He also reveals how the characters look like in real-life (mostly because of all the guys that wanted to play as girls).

Afterwards, Kirito asks Klein if he could help him get through the mini-boss to the next town (as cannon fodder), to which Klein logically refuses to help his friends. Klein offers him a place in the group, despite admitting that Kirito is the most unbearable asshole he's ever met, but Kirito immediately vanishes afterwards, running and crying because he was insulted.

Episode 2
Kirito begins leaning beside a wall, berating the narrator for his uninsightful intro. He then joins a group led by Diabel who has plans to defeat the boss and access the next floor. As they go through the manual, they question the strategies in it and the one who wrote it, to which Kirito ominously laughs. Kirito then meets up with a girl named Asuna, who has absolutely no idea how to play the game (she doesn't even know how to open the menu or even eat.) When asked the same question, Kirito says he has many reasons, to which Asuna then assumes that no-one else wanted him in their group, which Kirito argues that it was "mutual".

The next day, they all then enter the boss room and confront Illfang the Kobold Lord and its sentinels, and the plan to defeat him immediately goes to hell due to everyone being idiots. Kirito begins his assault, but is then impressed by Asuna's combat skills, and then dumbfounded by her inexperience. Diabel then attempts to kill the boss himself, but Illfang pulls its Odachi and slashes him as Kirito tries to explain the differnce between an Odachi and a Talwar. Kirito then attempts to revive Diabel, but he refuses, explaining that he's lost all hope because everyone else are morons, and places their faith in his hands before dying. Kirito then goes along with Asuna's plan to kill Illfang, but they begin fighting over who gets to kill it until Kirito manages to do it himself.

Afterwards Kirito gives an inspiring speech to everyone else, but then kills it by boasting that he could have completed it all by himself and that everyone else were basically meat shields, and then puts on a badass coat to seal the insult. Asuna stops him, however, saying she wants half the coat since she did half the work. Kirito then dissolves the party and advises Asuna that if she wants the coat, she has to offer a trade request by "opening the menu", then walking away laughing evilly.