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Um. Go skating... look at gun catalogs... Sometimes, we just talk...
~ Pauling, when Helen asks what friends do.

Miss F. Pauling is a loyal assistant to the Administrator. She performs a number of duties including reporting unusual background checks, ordering and delivery of goods, opening communication channels and murders.

Like her colleagues, Miss Pauling has been shown to be cold towards the enemy team.

She is voiced by Ashly Burch in the Expiration Date short, Gun Mettle update, and Tough Break update.



The Administrator considers inter-company friendships a profound breach of trust, forbidden by contract. It was during a routine background check that Miss Pauling discovered the RED Demoman and BLU Soldier's friendship, which she then brought to the Administrator's attention. Under strict orders, Miss Pauling personally delivered a number of highly volatile custom-order Mann Co. weapons to Demoman in exchange for agreeing to kill his friend Soldier. She then proceeded to do the same for the Soldier. Just as intended, this quickly destroyed their blossoming friendship and thus beginning the seven day war.


The Administrator hired a Director to record background information about what the RED team members might say if asked questions about their jobs. Miss Pauling felt the surveillance was unnecessary due to the low IQs of the mercenaries, but nevertheless oversaw the interviews. She assured the team that the purpose of the interviews was merely a PR stunt to help improve the reputations of the mercenaries to the citizens of Badlands. After the interviews were finished, the Administrator gives the order to Miss Pauling to give the director an "interview" of his own. This involved luring him to an abandoned mine shaft, where Miss Pauling followed him in with a loaded Big Kill, a Shovel, and a bag of corpse-grade quicklime. The Director has been missing ever since.

A Smissmas Miracle

After the BLU Scout, Soldier, and Spy are sentenced to community service at a local mall, Miss Pauling is shown on the phone with the Spy who is asking for help being released. Miss Pauling wants to hear how the Soldier became a public defender, and the Spy dismisses it with a reminder that a magician is the Soldier's roommate. She asks the Spy to ensure their problems do not escalate, the Spy assures her as he watches the Soldier punching an angry father. After the sudden arrival of Old Nick, Miss Pauling orders the Spy to quickly eliminate him, but is horrified to find the Spy's plan involves the help of a young boy instead of simply getting him to safety.

Death of Poopy Joe and Loss of Australium

Miss Pauling, along with Helen and Saxton Hale, were all questioned by several senators about the death of Poopy Joe (whom they launched into space for one dollar), and the disappearance of all the Australium in the world. The Administrator gave them the undisclosed info, which included talk of her stockpiling Australium for years, and eighteen idiots to help her with it. The senators all were shocked by the story, and decided to end their questioning quickly afterwards. The document that contained the information had the word 'INCINERATE' stamped on it.

New Assignments

While Saxton Hale is busy fighting a yeti, Mann Co. comes under attack by Gray Mann's legion of robots. Miss Pauling shows a prerecorded tape of Hale to the mercenaries that informs them that, with the death of the Mann brothers, they are now unemployed. However, with attack of the robots on Mann Co.'s headquarters, they have been re-hired to fight them. Although they are not being paid for their work, to their dismay, Pauling reveals that the robots somehow run on piles of money, and that any money left after destroying them belongs to the mercenaries. Miss Pauling emphasizes to them that it is not just a fight for Mann Co. or Saxton Hale, but a fight for their jobs.


Along with the RED team, Miss Pauling discusses the latest defense job against the robots in a dark room in Coal Town. She tries to figure out which of the many Mann Co. buildings the robots will invade next. When the Soldier claims that he knows the exact time and location, since he supposedly infiltrated Gray Mann's robot base the day before, no one believes him. After some shenanigans which involve keeping the Soldier thinking that all of his teammates are American, he mentions the eagles that raised Gray Mann, something that only Miss Pauling and the Administrator should know, thus cluing to Miss Pauling that he may be telling the truth. The Soldier reveals that he used his cardboard robot costume to sneak into Gray's facility and eavesdrop on their plans. Miss Pauling asks him to make a disguise for the Heavy and herself so that they can infiltrate Gray's facility once more.

In Gray Mann's facility, the three discover that he is frustrated at his robots' stupidity, as well as how they have a problem with security leaks due to a "tactical mastermind" in their base. Gray states the he has found a solution to the problem and unveils his newly-built Mecha-Engineer. The new robot activates and quickly identifies the trespassers.

Contingency Plan

Upon Gray Mann's acquisition of Mann Co., Miss Pauling ran to warn the Administrator only to find a note telling her to hide. Six months later, she received orders from the Administrator to assemble the mercenaries back together. Miss Pauling first finds Soldier in the middle of giving celebrity house tours and murdering Tom Jones. By impersonating a police officer, Pauling is able to keep Soldier out of legal trouble while simultaneously recruiting him. She next lures Pyro from his job as CEO of Frontier Engineering by setting a large fire to a nearby building. Demoman, having become overweight and even more of a slovenly alcoholic, readily joins her crew for a chance at his old job. While preparing to fly to Siberia to pick up Heavy, she finds out that Scout and Spy have both been arrested and are set to be hanged for their crimes of vandalism against Teufort.

The Rescue

Putting the flight to Siberia on hold, Miss Pauling drives the team to Teufort to rescue Scout and Spy. While Demoman and Soldier are assigned to delay the trial and Execution, Miss Pauling visits the library to destroy the Administrator's birth records with Pyro's assistance. She stops the Execution of the Scout, Spy, Demoman and Soldier, citing that the mercenaries could not have been responsible for the various zoning errors in Teufort, for which they are being executed. Fooling the mayor with a pamphlet, she directs him to the library, followed by all the townspeople, effectively calling off the Execution and angry mob. Privately, she admits that the entire population of Teufort suffers from madness induced by lead poisoning, and so the mercenaries were not charged with the murder and property damage they actually caused.

It is later revealed that Miss Pauling also met with a heavily concealed Administrator, who gave her new orders to obtain the last cache of Australium.

To Australia

Having assigned the mercenaries to various duties, Miss Pauling searches for Sniper's home in Australia along with Demoman, finding it apparently abandoned. They are quickly ambushed by Sniper, who had discovered that Mr. and Mrs. Mundy were not his birth parents, and threatens Miss Pauling for information on his actual parentage. Miss Pauling placates Sniper, telling him they are headed to meet his true parents, convincing him to join. Piloting a submarine obtained by Spy and Soldier, Miss Pauling leads the team (sans Scout and Heavy) to the sunken city of New Zealand, where the last cache of Australium lies. However, Miss Pauling discovers that the cache was depleted by Sniper's real father, Bill-Bel; unaware of the metal's potential, he exhausted the supply painting his prototype rockets which have long since exploded. Sniper's mother steals away with the only functioning rocket, prompting Miss Pauling to despair that she has failed in her mission.


Along with the other mercenaries who were with her, Miss Pauling is captured by the TFC mercenaries who begin torturing them for information. Despairing that she has failed her mission and her team, Miss Pauling accepts Spy's offer to commit suicide with their dignity intact, but is interrupted by Heavy attempting a rescue. The Heavy is revealed to be the TFC Spy, to whom Miss Pauling inadvertently reveals the coordinates where she was meant to meet the Administrator. Before the TFC Spy and Demoman can kill them, Soldier and his girlfriend, Zhanna, show up and kill the TFC mercs, having also brought a dying Gray Mann to Pauling by his request. Angered by their mutual dislike and Gray's request to stop the Administrator, Miss Pauling goes into an emotive speech defending her allegiance to the Administrator, mentioning how she's willingly lied and killed under the Administrator's command. Midway, though, Spy stops her as Gray has died before hearing most of her speech. Spy is none too amused at the implication that Miss Pauling has been lying to the team.

Expiration Date

Miss Pauling played a large role in Expiration Date, the Source Filmmaker short that came along with the Love & War Update. Having been tricked by the Scout in an attempt to meet Miss Pauling to ask her out on a date, she had arrived to the RED base to help defend the Intelligence. On arrival, she was initially concerned about the presence of the briefcase but became furious after finding out that the Scout had pushed the briefcase alarm. In her frustration, she turns, notices the decor and asks if they are having a prom. She then yells at the Scout for wasting her “one day off a year” and attempts to leave. The Scout attempts to reason with her, stating they should discuss it over dinner, opening a door to reveal a giant bread monster. The other mercenaries arrive to help while Miss Pauling yells at the Scout for pressing the alarm, then notices his death watch and uses it as a timer. She uses the Payload cart as a bomb, but she and the Scout end up on the wrong side of the blast doors. Without a word, both the Scout and Miss Pauling dive into the bread monster as the Payload explodes. They survive, and the Scout asks Miss Pauling on a date. She does not outright disagree, but begins to describe the tasks on her work schedule, one of which is to kill the person who pressed the briefcase alarm, and then remarks that the Scout would already be there, implying that she is going to kill the Scout.


Pauling generally complies with her employer's views for fear of incurring her wrath, even if she does not necessarily agree with them. Despite her boss' stern demeanor, she insists the Administrator is "not so bad when you get to know her". It has been shown that Scout has taken a romantic interest in her, which she tries to completely ignore.


To Scout

Event Quote
Contract "Scout? Pauling here."
"Scout? Miss Pauling here."
"Hey, Scout. It's Pauling."
"Hey, Scout. It's Pauling. Got a contract for you."
"Scout, Pauling here. I've got work."
"Hey, Scout. Pauling here. I need your help."
"Hey, Scout. Pauling here. Think you can handle this?"
"Scout, Pauling here. This one came right from the Administrator."
"Scout, it's Pauling. Something big just came up."
"Scout, it's Pauling. Listen up, this is big."
"Scout? Pauling. Don't talk, just listen. I've got a job."
"Hey, Scout. Take a look at this."
"Scout, it's Pauling. This isn't a social call. I've got work."
Rare Contract "Scout? Pauling. I need something done fast. I thought of you."
"Hey, Scout. First, 'No' to whatever you're about to ask. I've got a job for you."
"Scout, it's Pauling. I'm assuming you're talking right now. Please stop."
"Scout, Pauling here. Wrap up whatever you were bragging about and look at this."
"Hey, Scout. I need you... I... I... I mean for... for this."
"Scout, it's Pauling. Whatever stupid thing you're doing, stop it. I've got work."
"Scout, it's Pauling. I need something done quietly. Scout? Quietly."
Contract Complete "Nice work, Scout."
"Good job, Scout."
"Good work, Scout."
"Job well done, Scout."
"Nicely done, Scout. I'll be in touch."

To Soldier

Event Quote
Contract "Soldier? Pauling here."
"Soldier. Miss Pauling here."
"Hey, Soldier. It's Pauling."
"Soldier, it's Pauling. I've got a job for you."
"Soldier? Hey, it's Pauling. There's something I wanted you to look into."
"Soldier? Pauling. I've got a contract for you."
"Got some new marching orders, Soldier."
"A contract, Soldier. You good to go?"
"Move out, Soldier! You've been reassigned."
"Eyes front, Soldier. There's work to do."
"You've got incoming, Soldier. Get to work."
"Incoming, Soldier. Get this squared away."
"Soldier, it's Pauling. You got time to look into something for me?" .
"Show these maggots how it's done, Soldier."
"Soldier, it's Pauling. Son, your country needs you."
"I've got a job for you, Soldier. Make me proud, son."
"I want you to know, Soldier. You're doing hero's work out there, son."
"Soldier, it's Pauling. There will be medals given out for this one."
Rare Contract "If this mission weren't maximum deniability, you'd be a hero for this, son. There would be a parade."
"Soldier, I need you and Pepper Pot Pete, and Salty Pete, and Pete Pepper Pants... Hell, all your cardboard friends on this one."
"Soldier, you know who doesn't want you to take this job? Hippies, Communists, Tom Jones... Show them, Soldier. Show them all."
"Ten-hut, Soldier! Alpha... Romeo... Zero Dark... army words."
"I want you to go out there with all you've got and win just one for Miss Pauling, Soldier!"
Contract Complete "Nice work, Soldier."
"Good work, men."
"At ease, Soldier."
"Nice work, son."
"Good job, Soldier."
"Nice work, Soldier. As you were."
"Nice work, Soldier. I'm proud of you."
"All gave some, some gave all, Soldier. Nice work."

To Pyro

Event Quote
Contract "Pyro? Miss Pauling here."
"Pyro? Pauling here. I saw this and thought of you."
"Pyro? It's Pauling."
"Hi, Pyro. It's Miss Pauling."
"Hey, Pyro. Pauling here. This contract just came in."
"Pyro? Pauling here. Think you can handle this?"
"Pyro, Pauling here. I need something done. Quietly."
"Pyro, Pauling here. Something just came up."
Rare Contract "Hey, buddy! It's Pauling!"
"Hi, Pyro! I've got something I need you to do, okay, buddy?"
"Hey, Pyro! You want to do a real big favor for Miss Pauling?"
"Hey, Pyro! [extended mumbling] I've always wanted to try that. I hope I just said 'I have a job'. Because I have a job."
Contract Complete "Nice work, Pyro!"
"You did it, Pyro! Thanks buddy."
"Thanks again, Pyro."
"Ohh, thanks, Pyro. Administrator really wanted this one taken care of."
"Thanks, Pyro. I owe you one."
"Contract fulfilled. Nice work, Pyro."
"Nicely done, Pyro. I'll be in touch."
"Contract complete. Thanks, Pyro."

To Demoman

Event Quote
Contract "Demo? Pauling here."
"Demo? Miss Pauling here."
"Pack up some bombs, Demo. I've got a contract."
"Demo? It's Pauling."
"Demo? Pauling here. I need your help."
"Demo, it's Pauling. I've got a contract for you."
"Demo, Pauling here. This one came right from the Administrator."
"Hey Demo, Pauling here. I've got work."
"Demo. Hey, it's Pauling. I've got a job for you."
"Demo. It's Pauling. I've got a contract for you."
Rare Contract "Demo? It's Miss Pauling. The Miss Pauling... that's... I... I'm not actually famous. That was a joke I've been researching. Could you... rate your amusement on a scale of one to one-hundred?"
"Hey, Demo. I was on the phone with your mom. She said you didn't have enough jobs, so I got you an extra one. I won't lie, she sounded angry."
"Demo, it's Pauling. Place your eyeballs on this... eye... eyeball... whatever you see with. Make it... just make it look at this."
"Demo, it's your liver. I'm kidding, it's Miss Pauling. If I was your liver, I'd just be screaming."
"Hey, Demo, wake up. I've got a job for you."
"Demo, it's Pauling. If you're not dead, I've got work for you.
"Demo. Pauling. Sober up, I've got work."
"Demo? Pauling. I've got a job here that requires killing a lot of people and blowing up everything else. I thought of you."
"Demo! Demo? You there? It's Pauling. Demo? Demo?"
"Hey, Demo. This job is for your eyes only...eye...I mean...you get it."
"Demo? Pauling. I've got a job that requires no depth perception. You in?"
"Demoman? It's Pauling. I've got work. I... 'Demoman'? That sounds weird. Does anyone actually call you that? Let's go back to 'Demo'."
Contract Complete "Nice work, Demo."
"Contract complete. Thanks, Demo."
"Contract fulfilled. Nice work, Demo."
"Thanks again, Demo."
"Nicely done, Demo. I'll be in touch."
"Well, that's one less thing to worry about. Thanks, Demo."
"Thanks, Demo. I owe you one."

To Heavy

Event Quote
Contract "Heavy? Pauling here."
"Heavy. Miss Pauling here."
"Heavy? It's Pauling."
"Heavy? It's Pauling. I'm cashing in a favor on this one."
"Heavy? It's Pauling. Got a contract for you."
"Heavy? It's Pauling. I've got a job for you."
"Heavy? Pauling here. Something just came up."
"Heavy. Pauling here. This contract just came in."
"Heavy? Pauling here. I've got work."
"Heavy? Can you talk? It's Pauling."
"Heavy? Pauling here. This one came right from the Administrator."
"I need something taken care of, Heavy. I know I can trust you."
"Administrator wants this taken care of, Heavy. No loose ends."
"Administrator's on the warpath, Heavy. I need this done."
"This one's got your name all over it, big guy."
"Hey Heavy. I've got work for you and Sasha."
"Hey Heavy, it's Pauling. You're the only one I trust for this."
"Heavy, Pauling here. Keep this job between you and me."
Rare Contract "Heavy? It's Pauling. I know you're working so you're probably killing... like...everything right now, but this just came in."
"Heavy, I need to you keep quiet on this. Well, you're always quiet. Quieter."
Contract Complete "Thanks, Heavy. Administrator was really on me about this one."
"Good job, Heavy."
"Contract fulfilled. Nice work, Heavy."
"Nicely done, Heavy. I'll be in touch."
"Contract complete. Thanks, Heavy."
"Knew I could count on you, Heavy. Thanks."
"I owe you one, Heavy. I'll be in touch."
"Thanks again, Heavy. I appreciate it."
"Nice work, Heavy!"

To Engineer

Event Quote
Contract "Engie? Pauling here."
"Engie. Miss Pauling here."
"Hey, Engie. It's Pauling."
"Engie. The Administrator asked for you on this one. Specifically."
"Hey, Engie, it's Pauling."
"Engie, Pauling here. This contract is high priority."
"Contract just came in. I need this done by the numbers, Engie."
"This one's gonna need some strategy, Engie."
"Pack up your tools, Engie. I've got a job for you."
"Engie? Pauling. Think you can handle this?"
"Engie? Hey, it's Pauling. Interested in some extra work?"
"Engie? Pauling here. I need your help."
"Engie? Pauling here. I need something done. Quietly."
"Engie? The Administrator asked for you on this one. Specifically."
Rare Contract "Hey, Big Brains! Pauling here."
"Engie. It's Pauling. My moped's making a funny noise like a *chuk chuk chuk chuk* *whirr* *chuk chuk* sort of...thing. You know what? You're busy. Uh anyway, I've got work."
"Hey Engie, you got anything in your warehouse that can liquify about... hold on... let's call it 80 bodies? My chipper shredder's backed up. Anyway think about it. I've got a job."
"Engie, this job requires someone who can read... you're my only hope."
"Engie, it's Pauling. Is Scout there? Cough if he's there. I've got a job for you. Not him."
"Howdy, pardner! Rustle up the... cows... and move... move 'em out..of the barn...partner."
"Howdy, cowpoke! Let's ride... oh what other cowboy words do I know? Oh, saddle! Engie? You still there? Saddle up! Saddle 'em up!"
"Engie? Pauling. I need someone who's smart for this."
"Howdy, pardner! I'm... so sorry for that."
Contract Complete "Nice work, Engie."
"Good job, Engie. Thanks!"
"Contract fulfilled. Nice work, Engie."
"Nicely done, Engie. I'll be in touch."
"Contract complete. Thanks Engie."
"That'll do Engie! Thanks!"
"Fulfilled to the letter, Engie. Thanks again."

To Medic

Event Quote
Contract "Medic? Pauling here."
"Medic. Miss Pauling here."
"Hey, Doc. It's Pauling."
"Medic? It's Pauling."
"Medic, it's Pauling. I've got something I wanted you to look at."
"Medic, it's Pauling. You've got time to look into something for me?"
"Doc? Pauling here. Take a look at this."
"Hey, Medic. Pauling here. I saw this and thought of you."
"Medic, it's Pauling. I've got a contract for you."
"Pauling, here. Let's keep this job confidential."
"Nobody's crazy enough to do this but you, doctor."
"Hey Doc. It's Pauling. I've got a contract for you. Anything goes."
"Medic, it's Pauling. This one...might get messy."
"Hey Doc. Pauling. Got a live one for you."
Rare Contract "MEDIC! That was... just an impression. In bad taste, now that I think about it. I guess the people screaming that are usually, you know, dying."
"Medic. Pauling here. Take the gloves off for this one. Actually, keep the gloves on. That might get messy."
Contract Complete "Nice work, Doc."
"Thanks again, Doc."
"Contract fulfilled. Nice work, Medic."
"Nicely done, Medic. I'll be in touch."
"Contract complete. Thanks Medic."
"I'll give you this, Medic. You get results."

To Sniper

Event Quote
Contract "Sniper? Pauling here."
"Sniper. Miss Pauling here."
"Hey Sniper. It's Pauling."
"Sniper? It's Pauling."
"Heads up, Sniper. I've got work."
"Sniper? Pauling here. Take a look at this."
"Sniper, it's Pauling. You've got time to look into something for me?"
"Hey, Sniper. It's Pauling. Got a contract here for you."
"Hey Sniper. It's Pauling. Got a contract here for you."
"Sniper? Hey, it's Pauling. Interested in some extra work."
"Sniper? Pauling here. This contract is high priority."
"Sniper? Pauling here. Think you can handle this?"
"Pauling here. I need a professional here on this one, Sniper."
Rare Contract "Hey, Sniper. So you're a Kiwi now, huh? Right, allotted small talk time over, I've got work."
"Sniper? Pauling. What's that sound? Are you... are you peeing in a jar right now?"
Contract Complete "Nice work, Sniper."
"Contract fulfilled. Nice work, Sniper."
"Nicely done, Sniper. I'll be in touch."
"Contract complete. Thanks, Sniper."
"Thanks, Sniper. I owe you one."
"Thanks again, Sniper."
"Good job, Sniper!"

To Spy

Event Quote
Contract "Spy? Pauling here."
"Spy, Miss Pauling here."
"Hey Spy. It's Pauling."
"Spy? It's Pauling."
"Hey, Spy. It's Pauling. Interested in some extra work?"
"Spy? Pauling here. This contract is high priority."
"Spy, Pauling here. This contract just came in."
"Spy, it's Pauling. I need something done. Quietly."
"Spy, Pauling here. Take a look at this."
"Spy? It's Pauling. I never gave you this, got me?"
"Do it quickly, do it quietly. Just get it done, Spy."
"Spy, it's Pauling. Utmost discretion on this one."
"Spy, it's Pauling. Got a black bag job."
"Spy, I've got a custom contract: your eyes only."
"This one's nasty. I thought of you, Spy."
Rare Contract "Hey Spy. Pauling. I took care of that DNA test for you. You owe me one and I'm cashing it in. Take care of this."
"Spy, just between you and me, you should really wash that ski mask. Like once. There's visible stink lines coming off that thing. Anyway, I need a favor."
(Attempted French accent) "Bonjour, Spy! It ees I, Francis zhe Talking France. I have zhe job for you, yes? Oui? Baguettes?" (normal voice) "No, it's Miss Pauling, sorry. I do have a job for you. It's not French though, sorry."
"Hey, Spy! Oh, oh right. You're probably sneaking up on somebody. To stab them. Oh, I bet you're about to do it too. They can't... hear me, can they? Do you have video on this thing?"
Contract Complete "Nice work, Spy."
"Thanks again, Spy."
"Contract fulfilled. Nice work, Spy."
"Always a pleasure, Spy."
"Nicely done, Spy. I'll be in touch."
"Contract complete. Thanks, Spy."
"Job well done, Spy!"

To any merc

Event Quote
Rare Contract "This contract's big. Don't pass this up."
"It's Pauling. This is a big one. That means a big payday."
"Pauling here. This contract's big. I don't give these out every day."
"It's Pauling. This is a high-value contract. That means a big reward on this one."
"Pauling here. This contract's big. And big contracts mean big payouts."
"Okay, I managed to get you one of the big contracts. And that means a big payday. Don't make me look bad."
"It's Pauling. This is a big one. Don't screw it up."
"Okay, I've pulled some strings and secured you one of the big contracts. This'll be a high-end payout so get it done."
"I made some calls and got you one of the big contracts. I don't give these out every day, so don't screw it up, all right?"
Half-Complete "You're halfway done."
"Halfway to Contract complete."
"Good work, half the Contract's fulfilled."
"Halfway there."
"Nice work. You're halfway there."
Complete "Nice work."
"Nice work!"
"Good work."
"Good work!"
"Good job."
"Well done."
"You did it!"
"Nicely done."
"There you go."
"I knew I could count on you."
"I'm glad I came to you on this one."
"Job well done."
"Annnnnd here you go."
"Thanks! I'll be in touch."
"Thanks again."
"I owe you one."
"Thanks. The Administrator really wanted this done."
"Thanks. The Administrator was really on me about this."
"Payment for services rendered."
"Pleasure doing business. Thanks again."
"Nice work. Don't worry, I'll run cleanup on this."
"I'll run cleanup. Don't worry, you're a ghost on this."
"Nice work. And don't worry, you were never there."
"I'll make sure the evidence is disposed of."
"Don't worry, I can make the bodies disappear."
"If you need a place to lay low, I can secure you a safehouse."
"And to the victor goes... this thing!"
"Wow, that's... can, can I have that?"
"If you don't want that... I... will take it."
"Nice work, here's the pay."
"Nice work! Here's your payment."
"Nice work, here's your fee."
"Here, this one came straight from Saxton."
"Here's the contract fee. You earned it."
"Nice work. Here, you might like this."
"Nice work. This... uh, fell... off the back of a Mann Co. truck."
"Contract complete."
"Contract fulfilled."
Rare Contract Complete "Just so you know, I don't give a lot of these out."
"Good work. Your reward on this one is gonna be... pretty one-of-a-kind."
"Here's your payday. You earned it."
"Don't tell the other guys I gave you this."
"Contract complete. Here's your payday for the big job."
"Contract complete. Here's the payout... I know right?"
Contract Failed "The Administrator will have to be notified. Sorry."
"Crap! The Administrator is going to kill me."
"I should have asked one of the other guys."
"I had a bad feeling about this one anyway."
"S'okay. We'll get them next time."
"Let's, uh... call this a learning experience?"
"Hey, sometimes you have to walk away. I get it."
"Contract incomplete."
"Looks like I'll have to shunt this around somewhere else..."
"Thanks anyway."
"You did it! Wait, you didn't do it."
"All right, fair enough. I'll be in touch."
"Well, you can't win them all."
"Well, you can't win them all."

Tough Break

Event Quote
Contract "Hey! Pauling. Look, I'm technically on vacation here, but something big just came up."
"Pauling, here. I'm on vacation, but a contract just came in. Thought of you...to, you know...kill people...for prizes."
"Hey, it's me! The Administrator's been ringing me off the hook about this. Can you get this done? Done, done? Like bang, bang done?"
"Aw crap! I'm supposed to be on vacation here. Can you get this done, man? Thank you thank you thank you."
"Hey! Pauling. I'm not in the office but the Administrator needs a lot of people killed and I've got some nice payouts here."
Rare Contract [She's over there!] "Hey, it's Pauling" [Go! Go! Go!] "So, the Administrator invited me to her place for dinner." [There she is!; gunshot] "Uh!" [I got her!] "But it turns out it was just an ambush to kill me. Hold on." [more gunfire; screams; Watch out, she's armed!] "She does this every few years; it's like her version of an employee review. Anyway, got time for a contract?"
(tipsy) "Say, it's, it's Pauling. I'm, I'm at a beer garden with Demo, so there's lots of beer and...uh..beer. I had something I was gonna tell you...Oh! You're a good friend! I'm always sending you on contracts to get you killed, and that's not friends, right? 'Cause, 'cause we're friends, man. And also, there's something I'm not supposed to tell you. Umm. Two teams and the Administrator and umm...and there's this secret that...Oh, oh gotta go! Demo wants me to drink beer. So I'm gonna drink beer."
(whispering) "Hey, it's Pauling here. I'm at the Teufort Ladies Book Club and I'm the only one who hasn't actually read Belinda...so it's just about relationships, right? Guy meets girl, love stuff, happy ending? It's a good thing, right? I'm gonna tell everyone how it really, really brings the two as a couple."
[boxing bell rings] "Hey! Just a, taking a boxing class here. [grunts of pain] Listen, a contract...[grunt]...a contract came in and...[sharp grunt]...Uh, arms in, arms in...and I thought of you [grunt] That's mine! That's my molar! Did, did anyone see where that went?"
[roar of bus engine] "Hey, Pauling. I'm on a Teufort sightseeing tour. We just went to the library and took pictures of both the books. And then they took us to a tramp fight. And I guess now we're going to look at a sewage fire. It hasn't gone out in like fifty years or something. So we're really proud of it."
[campfire crackling] "Pauling here. I'm at a campfire with Soldier, Salty Pete, Pepper Pot Pete, and Perry Pepper Pants, and Peter Poopy-Toots. [sotto voce] And they're all cardboard. I think he's crazy. [normal voice] Oh, what's that Soldier? Tree bark rations...sounds American! [sotto voce] Do this contract and then get this man some help."
[water bubbling and bats rustling] "Hey Pauling here. I'm on a Teufort cave tour and...oh my God. These are the same caves I bury bodies in." [Ahhh! There's so many bodies!] "And they found them." [Somebody call the police!] "Anyway, here's a contract."
"Pauling here. I'm at an Assistant's Conference with Bidwell, they just debuted this year's clipboards. And wow! The clip, the board, they're both great. Some years, it's one or the other. It's a great time to be alive. Speaking of which, I need you to kill somebody."
[Scout: Oh, oh, and...(dice clatter)...not too shabby!] "Pauling here. I'm trying to teach Scout Gargoyles and Gravel. [Yeah!] Ugh, no Scout, there's no such thing as a Muscle Wizard." [Yeah whatever.] "No you can't beat an Orc by doing push-ups at it. Look, please, please put your shirt back on. Scout, stop flexing. Scout. Scout! Stop flexing."
"Hey did you know a gun show's a real thing? I'm at one with Heavy right now." [Heavy: Is perfect, this is gun.] Oh wow, what's the gauge on that? Yeah, Scout's been saying he's going to take me to one for years, but all he does is shove his stupid arms in my face. Anyway, I've got something for you."
(strained) "Pauling here. I'm at a hotdog eating contest and Engie made me a stomach teleporter, but...oogh...it's not working. I think it's only teleporting undigested hotdogs into my colon." [stomach growling] "Ok, gotta go."
"Hey, Pauling here. I got invited to something called a "key party". I guess we all trade houses or something. Anyway, they wanted my keys and I said no. If they keep pressing, I brought my gun. I've got a contract coming your way."
"Hey's it's Pauling. Sorry for the noise, it's Ladies Night at the Cap Point, and I misunderstood what that meant." [Hey what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?] "I'm trying to get someone killed for money. Can you give me a second? Sorry about that. Anyway, take a look."
"Hey, sorry for the noise! It's Dollar Drinks Night at the Cap Point. Hold on, on the rocks please." [On the rocks!; rocks tinkle into a glass] "N-n-not act...not actual...is that gravel? You know what, never mind. Just, just pour liquor on it. I'll drink it anyway." [drink pouring] "You still there? I've got something for you."
[piano being played frantically, intermittent electrical zaps] "Pauling here. Spy's teaching me piano. Apparently, it takes a person...ugh, seven years to learn, but Spy says that with electroshock he can teach me in an hour." [grunts of pain and electrical shocks] [Spy: Again.; piano plays a slow melody] "Huh. Okay, that's done. Here's a contract."
["Taps" being played] (on the verge of tears) "Hey, Pauling here. I'm, I-I-I'm sorry, I'm at the Poopy Joe Memorial and, and it's just too much. That monkey was an American hero!"
"Hey, it's Pauling here. I'm at a pottery class. I'm trying to make a porcelain gun, but it's a lot harder than it looks. Ugh, dammit." [dripping clay; Oh, what a lovely flower vase!] "Yeah I know it looks like a flower vase, it's a cannon all right! Ugh, I hate pottery. Anyway, I've got a contract.
[raccoons trilling] "Pauling here. Soldier invited me over to his house/cave for a soup tasting. I have been bitten by like sixty raccoons. Do raccoons have rabies? I mean, they have to, right? Didn't raccoons invent rabies? Are-are they like old rats? Like don't rats go into their cocoons in the winter and emerge as fully grown raccoons in the spring? I've lost a lot of blood here. Maybe it took the rabies with them. Ugh, I gotta go. One of the raccoons is eyeballing me. You gotta problem pal?"
"Hey it's Pauling here. I'm watching Shakespearicles in the Park and we just got to the part in Hamlet where Macbeth tells Hercules he's from the future and Macbeth gets so angry, he uses his heat vision and..." [Steel cage!] "Oh ho ho, they're lowering the steel cage. Oh, Hercules is losing the intercontinental title for sure! Look, I gotta go. Here's a mission."[He's got Macbeth!; I love you Hercules!]
"He-hey, sorry about the reception, I'm on a ladies safari in the middle of a forest. Listen, a contract came in..." [I'm being mauled to death by a tiger! Ahhh!] "Lady, would you please keep it down! I'm on the phone!"
"Pauling here. So the New Mexico Department of Labor found out I haven't gotten any time off in...uh...ever. So, I'm on state-mandated vacation. But don't worry! I'm still working, but don't tell anyone." [foghorn sounds] "Oh good the tugboat's here. Anyway, here's a contract."
[heartbeat monitor beeps steadily] "Medic's showing me how to sew a heart inside of another heart and pump them full of radiation. It's sorta like making a turducken, but with people!" [Medic: Oh, ho ho!; monitor beeps faster] "And I think a clump of my hair just fell out." [monitor beeps rapidly; Medic: Oh ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!]
"Hey it's Pauling here. I'm on a vision quest with Sniper. I just ate some ground-up mushrooms and grubs. Sniper said that it's supposed to make me ghost noise picnic dripping, but I don't boot soup what he's mustaching about. I don't even dynamite a little pyramid gravy. Anyway, here's a condor."
[wine bottle being uncorked; Spy: Ahh, a 1962 Chateau Matador.; wine pouring into glasses] "(sotto voce) Hey, hey I'm at a wine tasting with Spy...it all tastes like raisins and gasoline. Uh, quick! give me some fancy-pants words to say to him." [Spy: À votre santé!] "(normal voice) Spy, your wine is...great! It's really, uh, pre-precocious! Uh...volup-voluptuous? And uh, uh, big, big-boned!" [Spy: Ugh...] "Yeah, it's got a very big-boned wine taste."
Complete "Hey,you did it! Back to my vacation."
"Hey, good work! Okay, back to vacation."
"Hey, good work! You did it! Now back to my state-mandated vacation."
"Great job! I'm really enjoying... being out of the office... doing all this work."
"Hey, you finished the contract. Okay, back to my stupid vacation."
"Hey, you did it! Can I be done with my vacation now? Please?"
"Hey, you did it! Can I be done with my vacation now? I wanna come home."





Expiration Date


  • When giving Pyro a rare contract, Miss Pauling talks to Pyro like a young child.
  • When Heavy's heart pops in Meet the Medic, a woman appears on the balcony who closely resembles Miss Pauling.
  • In the 22-12-2010 Patch, Miss Pauling gave a Stocking Stuffer Key to all owners of Team Fortress 2 for Christmas, much to Helen's disgust.
  • In the Official Soundtrack vinyl release, one of the photographs in the liner notes is credited to "F. Pauling," revealing Miss Pauling's first initial.
  • Miss Pauling is most likely single, judging from a personal advertisement found in the Teufort Reader magazine; she works 364 days out of the year, and enjoys gun shows and quiet nights of surveillance.


This article contains content derived from the "Pauling" article on the Team Fortress Wiki, licensed under CC-BY-SA.


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Main Characters
Scout | Soldier | Pyro | Demoman | Heavy | Engineer | Medic | Sniper | Spy

God | Miss Pauling | Saxton Hale | Redmond Mann | Blutarch Mann | Zhanna

RED | BLU | Mann Co. | TF Industries